Feelings

My feelings are ok.  I feel the way I do from the circumstances Ive been through.  Unless youve been there too, you have nooooo idea.  I like the BBC forums because those girls know.  They get it. Some have had it way worse then me.  They have had more losses, takes them a long time to concieve, and even lost babies after they were born.  I can not relate to that. I hope I never have to.  This experience has humbled me. I took for granteed thinking I could plan when I would have a baby.  Thinking that conception is the "hard part".  I always knew people that couldnt concieve naturally and I felt terrible for them.  I had a fear that I may be like them one day.  That couldnt be farther from the truth and Im thankful for that but I am in the same situation logically speaking.  Wanting and hoping for a live birth and not getting it.  To me its like a cruel joke.  Why would I be able to get pregnant so fast if I cant keep it? Its such an emotional high to be pregnant. Its the best feeling in the world.  You feel soooo special and the bonding with the baby starts immediately.  I remember so many nights talking to my twins.  Yeh I know, they were the size of blueberries, but they were my blueberries.  I wanted them more than the air I breathe.  I loved them more than Ive ever loved anyone or anything in my life. Its the honest truth. Tears streaming down my face as I type. Those babies were a dream come true.. a dream too good to be true apparently. Its a cruel joke I tell you. One I cant and shouldnt even try to make meaning of.  The chemical pregnancy was an affirmation of my ability to concieve. It was the 1st time I had ever "tried" to get pregnant..so it was pretty exciting to see the positve pregnancy test and know that YES we did it!! I felt "normal".. like everything would be ok. to see that second line disappear within 3 days of it appearing was like salt in the wound.  It was such a jab in the stomach.. I just couldnt even believe it.  I had already written a poem to Frank saying how we made it through the storms... our rainbow baby was here.. etc etc... He never got to read the poem. My test was negative too quickly. I didnt even have the desire to show him.. but I didnt give up... I knew that I could do it. so next month again.. positive test. I didnt get excited though this time.. I wanted to wait at least another week before getting excited. but then I was beyond excited when it stayed positive.. and got darker! I got to tell Frank on his bday.. It was the perfect timing.. I made a cute GRC onesie as my way of telling him   Everything was perfect. My duedate was on my grandmas bday. I really felt it was meant to be.. and you know what they say about 3rd times a charm! Then came the ultrasound day. As I laid there holding Franks hand without Lauren saying a word, I knew. It was the same feeling I got on the twins ultrasound where their hb wasnt detected anymore. It was terrible. It just felt like I was in this cyclone and it was spinning me so fast and I couldnt get out. It was my 2nd most devestating day of my life..(1st of course was the twins ultrasound that detected they died) I guess this last time it was easier, because I knew what was happening, and im pretty sure all my tears I could possibly cry went for the twins so there was less crying this time. The 2nd DnC was pretty emotional as it was the same nurses that saw me a couple months before for the 1st DnC. Everyone looked at me with pity and just felt so sad for me.  I hate that. but this time I got more angry and wanted more answers. Obviously 3 times in a row means somethings wrong with me right?? well no not exactly. Last baby had Trisomy 15 and I never felt as connected to "him" as I did with the twins. I dont know why.. maybe i wasnt even expecting for a good outcome with all the bad luck.. who knows
This blog is for my feelings. Whatever is on my mind I will type. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with feelings.  They just are. There is nothing I can do to change it. Sometimes Im angry, sometimes Im depressed, sometimes Im sad, and sometimes Im thankful.  I thank God daily that Im able to concieve.  I thank him that my body works perfectly.  I thank him for my regular ovulation and regular cycles. I thank him for my knowledgeable Dr. and I thank him that despite Franks SA and what most people would think and Drs would say from the results, "I cant believe you can get pregnant at all", God overrides it all. He doesnt follow the rules and he allows us easy conception despite the obvious where one would think we would have infertility issues. I know that God must think Im strong to give me what Ive gone through and will continue to go through and I am confident that even though I am bending I will not break.  There is a void left from my losses that nothing can fill except the joy I will feel when God gives us the blessing that hes been holding out for us.  It will be magnified 1000 times than someone who innocently has a blissfully easy pregnancy and child. I will be better for it.