acceptance

Recently Ive come to acceptance that this is my life and it is what it is.. not woe is me.. not why me.. because honestly NOTHING is gauranteed.  A good friend of mine from high school had a baby recently with spina bifida. Her pregnancy was great. No issues. They said everything was fine. Baby was healthy and then immediately after delivery had to have emergency surgery.  Shes now 3 weeks old and has had 2 more surgeries and a failed shunt surgery that has now left her struggling to regain her normal functions like swallowing, eating, and coughing.  She might have to have a trach put in to help clear her throat as she has no gag reflex and cannot cough.  My friends whole life has been changed and is turned upside down.  How quickly life can change! Another friend of mine has a little girl which is a close family friend and shes helped raise. she was diagnosed with cancer at an early age and fought it as long as she could. She left to be with Jesus this week at the age of 8.
Although we can TRY to predict the future, we can pray and we can hope for the best, life throws us these curve balls.  Some of us get these curve balls more than others and we dont know why. We will never understand or know why.  I am thankful for an amazing dr that I am working with who I really feel is an expert.  Hes not touchy feeling. Hes not gonna hug me .. but hes gonna do everything he can to keep me pregnant next time.  I am thankful for him and I feel a genuine comfort level and happiness in his presence.  I really feel God has brought him to me and ALL of the twins I babysit for and have known have come from his expert care.  Therefore I already feel a strong connection like I know him and I know he does GREAT work:)  Im hopeful that every day I am blessed to be alive is another day closer to the baby I will have.  I do not feel God would give Frank and I such a strong desire to be parents and such a quick conception time if we weren't supposed to have children.  Im extremely blessed to get pregnant so quick and I feel each pregnancy was a miracle in itself, even though it didnt result in a live birth.  Each one I am emotionally connected to.. the first one more so than the last.  I didnt understand it when Franks sister told me how after her 2nd miscarriage, every pregnancy after that she was disconnected to.. she said she grew cold and didnt wanna give any energy of happiness or hope into the pregnancies as she felt they were doomed to fail.  I completely understand what she was saying.  While I will be happy and overjoyed to get another positive pregnancy test, I will have a completely different emotion.  It almost as if I dont want to depend on it actually working to get let down once again.  Almost like with a friend that continuously disappoints you.  Its easier to expect nothing and be plesently surprised when it works out than to expect it to work and be crushed and devestated when it doesnt.  I dont wanna be cold but its best for me.. It also keeps my stress level down which is best for the future "bean". 
I feel hopeful, and excited for the plans that weve made and the monitoring I will get from my dr.  I pray that whenever I get my next BFP test it will be the winner!! 4th times a charm right????