I love my baby

Well lots of time has gone by and as I have been writing in my personal journal I havent updated or felt the need to on here.. Basically I started the blog to have an outlet for all the emotions and negative feelings I was bottling up inside and it REALLY helped to write them out.  and now I can just write HAPPY posts!! Im not 16 weeks 3 days and baby seems to be doing good. Havent really FELT the baby yet but i know its coming as i can hear the kicking in the womb on the doppler.  I love listening to the HB on the doppler its so amazing. Ive gained 14 lbs total so far and dr said that was fine. I go to the dr next Tuesday for the big blood work screening for issues and also the US that measures every part of the baby and Frank will find out the gender.. but no one else! itll be super fun!! hes gotta keep a bigggg secret till FEB! Its tough working on my feet all day and walking so far all over campus but my kids are pretty good and I can sit down a good amount too. My toes have swollen already and I almost cant get my ring off my finger.. another week or so and Im going to have to take it off:(  Anyway I am super thankful and blessed and soooo greatful to have this awesome sweet baby growing inside me and I am soo positive this is my miracle and we are going to meet this little baby in Feb.  Praying for healthy results!!

Can I have a little happy with my worry?

Today the Dr did a scan and baby was 7mm. That means he only grew 5mm in 7 days.. that really concerns me... the dr said sometimes they have sudden spurts and then days with not much.. so I shouldn't be worried.. but I AM! and the Heart rate looked great. The dr doesnt like doing a measurement as its not healthy for the baby he said.. but he said he can tell it was very rapid and way up there.. thats the part I like! There was a dr that saw me last Wed (just 5 days ago) and I think, and my Dr thinks, he measured the baby too big. It looked like he got part of the sac in the measurement.. anyway it made me really worry cuz the measurement he got was 6mm and how did the baby only grow 1mm since last Wed?? yeh doesnt make sense.. especially cuz his heartrate is much better today than on Wed.. so I dunno .. what I do know is this- 1)my baby has a great heartbeat 2)my dr isnt worried about the baby measuring a few days behind 3) I am extremely uncomfortable/food aversion city/naucous sooo with all this worry and uncomfortable symptoms, this baby BETTER make it! Its a command and I wont take no for an answer:)  Heres a beautiful new picture: let the countdown till the next US begin... 6 more days of worry! ughhhhh

what a prankster

So yesterday and today have been super stressful days.. Little super hero is pulling some major pranks on us. Yesterday after a BM I had serious bleeding.. it was on and off all day(no clots, just tons of red blood) i was super sad- cried most of the day.. also had some weird cramping but it wasnt normal cramping and it wasnt painful.  I called the on call nurse and she said I could come in this am for another US to see whats going on. I FULLY expected to see no baby at all.. but to my amazing surprise the baby was measurinng right on schedule and had just developed its heartbeat! soo exciting.. Dr sees no reason for the blood and says hes not really concerned with it.  Its just brown now anyways so i dont even know what all that was about.. All i can say is our baby is already pulling some major stunts! Here he is! the 2 Xs are measuring his growth and he was 2 mm.  Im going to TRY to relax until my next scan next Monday.

Dear miracle

Dear baby blessing,
I love you so much. I already think you/your gestational sac is ADORABLE.  You have noooo idea how loved and wanted you are.  I think about you 24/7. Mainly hoping and praying you stay and are healthy.  Ive lost 4 of your brothers and sisters before you and each one has been more difficult than the last. I feel you are the winner. You are a super hero in disguise. I bet you are super strong and will be the healthiest baby bean ever.  I hope you enjoy my uterus and its nice and cozy for ya. Im trying to do everything possible for you.  Im resting, eating the right things, drinking lots of water (which you LOVE apparently) and Im keeping you safe.  Im taking lots of good vitamins and medicines to keep you.  I cannot wait till I get to see you again next week. You are so photogenic.  I love you. See you soon:)
Love Mom

Here we go, AGAIN!

Well my 1st IUI was a huge FAIL... made me angry, sad, frustrated and BROKE... geesh this fertility stuff is sooooo expensive!!! Anyway, I contemplated doing another cycle with IUI and I eventually decided I wanted to.. Dr said to give it at least 3 times before trying IVF. soo I went ahead and this time did Clomid and had 3 good eggs that ovulated. I was super happy with the result from this cycle and anxiously awaiting to take a test... On 10DPO I decided I really wanted to test.. I KNEW it would be negative cuz I had no symptoms whatsoever.. had more symptoms the month before when I wasnt pregnant lol. Well do you know how surprised I was to see those 2 lines??? WOW Thank the LORD for this miracle.. I feel so blessed.. I really hope and pray 4th times a charm and I think it will be. I just cannot handle another loss.. Im praying hard for God to give me peace and happiness and for this one to be chromosomally healthy. I know my body can do this, weather there is 1, 2 or 3 in the oven I can do this.. God gives me the strength but I really really hope the right egg and sperm matched up this time.. Hope to God every day, about a 10000 times.. Theres nothing else I can do.. Its all up to him. I get my Betas tomorrow and Thursday and then start my injections OUCH! but it will be worth it to have what Im dreaming of. Heres my test from today.. Im only 13dpo soo still really early.. I tested this time 5 days before my period should start lol but i guess its a good sign that my lines have been getting progressively darker. Please pray for me.

acceptance

Recently Ive come to acceptance that this is my life and it is what it is.. not woe is me.. not why me.. because honestly NOTHING is gauranteed.  A good friend of mine from high school had a baby recently with spina bifida. Her pregnancy was great. No issues. They said everything was fine. Baby was healthy and then immediately after delivery had to have emergency surgery.  Shes now 3 weeks old and has had 2 more surgeries and a failed shunt surgery that has now left her struggling to regain her normal functions like swallowing, eating, and coughing.  She might have to have a trach put in to help clear her throat as she has no gag reflex and cannot cough.  My friends whole life has been changed and is turned upside down.  How quickly life can change! Another friend of mine has a little girl which is a close family friend and shes helped raise. she was diagnosed with cancer at an early age and fought it as long as she could. She left to be with Jesus this week at the age of 8.
Although we can TRY to predict the future, we can pray and we can hope for the best, life throws us these curve balls.  Some of us get these curve balls more than others and we dont know why. We will never understand or know why.  I am thankful for an amazing dr that I am working with who I really feel is an expert.  Hes not touchy feeling. Hes not gonna hug me .. but hes gonna do everything he can to keep me pregnant next time.  I am thankful for him and I feel a genuine comfort level and happiness in his presence.  I really feel God has brought him to me and ALL of the twins I babysit for and have known have come from his expert care.  Therefore I already feel a strong connection like I know him and I know he does GREAT work:)  Im hopeful that every day I am blessed to be alive is another day closer to the baby I will have.  I do not feel God would give Frank and I such a strong desire to be parents and such a quick conception time if we weren't supposed to have children.  Im extremely blessed to get pregnant so quick and I feel each pregnancy was a miracle in itself, even though it didnt result in a live birth.  Each one I am emotionally connected to.. the first one more so than the last.  I didnt understand it when Franks sister told me how after her 2nd miscarriage, every pregnancy after that she was disconnected to.. she said she grew cold and didnt wanna give any energy of happiness or hope into the pregnancies as she felt they were doomed to fail.  I completely understand what she was saying.  While I will be happy and overjoyed to get another positive pregnancy test, I will have a completely different emotion.  It almost as if I dont want to depend on it actually working to get let down once again.  Almost like with a friend that continuously disappoints you.  Its easier to expect nothing and be plesently surprised when it works out than to expect it to work and be crushed and devestated when it doesnt.  I dont wanna be cold but its best for me.. It also keeps my stress level down which is best for the future "bean". 
I feel hopeful, and excited for the plans that weve made and the monitoring I will get from my dr.  I pray that whenever I get my next BFP test it will be the winner!! 4th times a charm right????

Feelings

My feelings are ok.  I feel the way I do from the circumstances Ive been through.  Unless youve been there too, you have nooooo idea.  I like the BBC forums because those girls know.  They get it. Some have had it way worse then me.  They have had more losses, takes them a long time to concieve, and even lost babies after they were born.  I can not relate to that. I hope I never have to.  This experience has humbled me. I took for granteed thinking I could plan when I would have a baby.  Thinking that conception is the "hard part".  I always knew people that couldnt concieve naturally and I felt terrible for them.  I had a fear that I may be like them one day.  That couldnt be farther from the truth and Im thankful for that but I am in the same situation logically speaking.  Wanting and hoping for a live birth and not getting it.  To me its like a cruel joke.  Why would I be able to get pregnant so fast if I cant keep it? Its such an emotional high to be pregnant. Its the best feeling in the world.  You feel soooo special and the bonding with the baby starts immediately.  I remember so many nights talking to my twins.  Yeh I know, they were the size of blueberries, but they were my blueberries.  I wanted them more than the air I breathe.  I loved them more than Ive ever loved anyone or anything in my life. Its the honest truth. Tears streaming down my face as I type. Those babies were a dream come true.. a dream too good to be true apparently. Its a cruel joke I tell you. One I cant and shouldnt even try to make meaning of.  The chemical pregnancy was an affirmation of my ability to concieve. It was the 1st time I had ever "tried" to get pregnant..so it was pretty exciting to see the positve pregnancy test and know that YES we did it!! I felt "normal".. like everything would be ok. to see that second line disappear within 3 days of it appearing was like salt in the wound.  It was such a jab in the stomach.. I just couldnt even believe it.  I had already written a poem to Frank saying how we made it through the storms... our rainbow baby was here.. etc etc... He never got to read the poem. My test was negative too quickly. I didnt even have the desire to show him.. but I didnt give up... I knew that I could do it. so next month again.. positive test. I didnt get excited though this time.. I wanted to wait at least another week before getting excited. but then I was beyond excited when it stayed positive.. and got darker! I got to tell Frank on his bday.. It was the perfect timing.. I made a cute GRC onesie as my way of telling him   Everything was perfect. My duedate was on my grandmas bday. I really felt it was meant to be.. and you know what they say about 3rd times a charm! Then came the ultrasound day. As I laid there holding Franks hand without Lauren saying a word, I knew. It was the same feeling I got on the twins ultrasound where their hb wasnt detected anymore. It was terrible. It just felt like I was in this cyclone and it was spinning me so fast and I couldnt get out. It was my 2nd most devestating day of my life..(1st of course was the twins ultrasound that detected they died) I guess this last time it was easier, because I knew what was happening, and im pretty sure all my tears I could possibly cry went for the twins so there was less crying this time. The 2nd DnC was pretty emotional as it was the same nurses that saw me a couple months before for the 1st DnC. Everyone looked at me with pity and just felt so sad for me.  I hate that. but this time I got more angry and wanted more answers. Obviously 3 times in a row means somethings wrong with me right?? well no not exactly. Last baby had Trisomy 15 and I never felt as connected to "him" as I did with the twins. I dont know why.. maybe i wasnt even expecting for a good outcome with all the bad luck.. who knows
This blog is for my feelings. Whatever is on my mind I will type. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with feelings.  They just are. There is nothing I can do to change it. Sometimes Im angry, sometimes Im depressed, sometimes Im sad, and sometimes Im thankful.  I thank God daily that Im able to concieve.  I thank him that my body works perfectly.  I thank him for my regular ovulation and regular cycles. I thank him for my knowledgeable Dr. and I thank him that despite Franks SA and what most people would think and Drs would say from the results, "I cant believe you can get pregnant at all", God overrides it all. He doesnt follow the rules and he allows us easy conception despite the obvious where one would think we would have infertility issues. I know that God must think Im strong to give me what Ive gone through and will continue to go through and I am confident that even though I am bending I will not break.  There is a void left from my losses that nothing can fill except the joy I will feel when God gives us the blessing that hes been holding out for us.  It will be magnified 1000 times than someone who innocently has a blissfully easy pregnancy and child. I will be better for it.