acceptance

Recently Ive come to acceptance that this is my life and it is what it is.. not woe is me.. not why me.. because honestly NOTHING is gauranteed.  A good friend of mine from high school had a baby recently with spina bifida. Her pregnancy was great. No issues. They said everything was fine. Baby was healthy and then immediately after delivery had to have emergency surgery.  Shes now 3 weeks old and has had 2 more surgeries and a failed shunt surgery that has now left her struggling to regain her normal functions like swallowing, eating, and coughing.  She might have to have a trach put in to help clear her throat as she has no gag reflex and cannot cough.  My friends whole life has been changed and is turned upside down.  How quickly life can change! Another friend of mine has a little girl which is a close family friend and shes helped raise. she was diagnosed with cancer at an early age and fought it as long as she could. She left to be with Jesus this week at the age of 8.
Although we can TRY to predict the future, we can pray and we can hope for the best, life throws us these curve balls.  Some of us get these curve balls more than others and we dont know why. We will never understand or know why.  I am thankful for an amazing dr that I am working with who I really feel is an expert.  Hes not touchy feeling. Hes not gonna hug me .. but hes gonna do everything he can to keep me pregnant next time.  I am thankful for him and I feel a genuine comfort level and happiness in his presence.  I really feel God has brought him to me and ALL of the twins I babysit for and have known have come from his expert care.  Therefore I already feel a strong connection like I know him and I know he does GREAT work:)  Im hopeful that every day I am blessed to be alive is another day closer to the baby I will have.  I do not feel God would give Frank and I such a strong desire to be parents and such a quick conception time if we weren't supposed to have children.  Im extremely blessed to get pregnant so quick and I feel each pregnancy was a miracle in itself, even though it didnt result in a live birth.  Each one I am emotionally connected to.. the first one more so than the last.  I didnt understand it when Franks sister told me how after her 2nd miscarriage, every pregnancy after that she was disconnected to.. she said she grew cold and didnt wanna give any energy of happiness or hope into the pregnancies as she felt they were doomed to fail.  I completely understand what she was saying.  While I will be happy and overjoyed to get another positive pregnancy test, I will have a completely different emotion.  It almost as if I dont want to depend on it actually working to get let down once again.  Almost like with a friend that continuously disappoints you.  Its easier to expect nothing and be plesently surprised when it works out than to expect it to work and be crushed and devestated when it doesnt.  I dont wanna be cold but its best for me.. It also keeps my stress level down which is best for the future "bean". 
I feel hopeful, and excited for the plans that weve made and the monitoring I will get from my dr.  I pray that whenever I get my next BFP test it will be the winner!! 4th times a charm right????

Feelings

My feelings are ok.  I feel the way I do from the circumstances Ive been through.  Unless youve been there too, you have nooooo idea.  I like the BBC forums because those girls know.  They get it. Some have had it way worse then me.  They have had more losses, takes them a long time to concieve, and even lost babies after they were born.  I can not relate to that. I hope I never have to.  This experience has humbled me. I took for granteed thinking I could plan when I would have a baby.  Thinking that conception is the "hard part".  I always knew people that couldnt concieve naturally and I felt terrible for them.  I had a fear that I may be like them one day.  That couldnt be farther from the truth and Im thankful for that but I am in the same situation logically speaking.  Wanting and hoping for a live birth and not getting it.  To me its like a cruel joke.  Why would I be able to get pregnant so fast if I cant keep it? Its such an emotional high to be pregnant. Its the best feeling in the world.  You feel soooo special and the bonding with the baby starts immediately.  I remember so many nights talking to my twins.  Yeh I know, they were the size of blueberries, but they were my blueberries.  I wanted them more than the air I breathe.  I loved them more than Ive ever loved anyone or anything in my life. Its the honest truth. Tears streaming down my face as I type. Those babies were a dream come true.. a dream too good to be true apparently. Its a cruel joke I tell you. One I cant and shouldnt even try to make meaning of.  The chemical pregnancy was an affirmation of my ability to concieve. It was the 1st time I had ever "tried" to get pregnant..so it was pretty exciting to see the positve pregnancy test and know that YES we did it!! I felt "normal".. like everything would be ok. to see that second line disappear within 3 days of it appearing was like salt in the wound.  It was such a jab in the stomach.. I just couldnt even believe it.  I had already written a poem to Frank saying how we made it through the storms... our rainbow baby was here.. etc etc... He never got to read the poem. My test was negative too quickly. I didnt even have the desire to show him.. but I didnt give up... I knew that I could do it. so next month again.. positive test. I didnt get excited though this time.. I wanted to wait at least another week before getting excited. but then I was beyond excited when it stayed positive.. and got darker! I got to tell Frank on his bday.. It was the perfect timing.. I made a cute GRC onesie as my way of telling him   Everything was perfect. My duedate was on my grandmas bday. I really felt it was meant to be.. and you know what they say about 3rd times a charm! Then came the ultrasound day. As I laid there holding Franks hand without Lauren saying a word, I knew. It was the same feeling I got on the twins ultrasound where their hb wasnt detected anymore. It was terrible. It just felt like I was in this cyclone and it was spinning me so fast and I couldnt get out. It was my 2nd most devestating day of my life..(1st of course was the twins ultrasound that detected they died) I guess this last time it was easier, because I knew what was happening, and im pretty sure all my tears I could possibly cry went for the twins so there was less crying this time. The 2nd DnC was pretty emotional as it was the same nurses that saw me a couple months before for the 1st DnC. Everyone looked at me with pity and just felt so sad for me.  I hate that. but this time I got more angry and wanted more answers. Obviously 3 times in a row means somethings wrong with me right?? well no not exactly. Last baby had Trisomy 15 and I never felt as connected to "him" as I did with the twins. I dont know why.. maybe i wasnt even expecting for a good outcome with all the bad luck.. who knows
This blog is for my feelings. Whatever is on my mind I will type. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with feelings.  They just are. There is nothing I can do to change it. Sometimes Im angry, sometimes Im depressed, sometimes Im sad, and sometimes Im thankful.  I thank God daily that Im able to concieve.  I thank him that my body works perfectly.  I thank him for my regular ovulation and regular cycles. I thank him for my knowledgeable Dr. and I thank him that despite Franks SA and what most people would think and Drs would say from the results, "I cant believe you can get pregnant at all", God overrides it all. He doesnt follow the rules and he allows us easy conception despite the obvious where one would think we would have infertility issues. I know that God must think Im strong to give me what Ive gone through and will continue to go through and I am confident that even though I am bending I will not break.  There is a void left from my losses that nothing can fill except the joy I will feel when God gives us the blessing that hes been holding out for us.  It will be magnified 1000 times than someone who innocently has a blissfully easy pregnancy and child. I will be better for it.

Today is the day

I've decided today will be the day I start a blog.  Today I will start to get my true feelings out.  All the anger, pain, emptiness and disappointment will be burried.  This has been a roller coaster ride that I never knew I would get on.  Its one that I hope stops soon with a happy ending. Often I find myself going faster and faster to the point where I want to throw up. I wanna scream, "Stop the ride! Let me off!" but then I remember the reason Im on the ride in the first place. Other people have it so easy, but Im not going to the "its not fair" place.  Thats a very dark, deep hole and when I go there it takes me a while to get out. I will stay focused, with God, my friends, my supportive husband and family at my side, we will beat this.  There will be a day where my blessing will arrive and all this pain and suffering will be worth it. I don't think twice about getting off the ride now... I won't give up. but let me tell you its not easy and at times even the wrong look, thought or feeling can send me into a downward spiral of uncontrollable sobbing. Repeated pregnancy loss is a bitch!!